Monday, August 19, 2002
An Alien I am to this place. To this home they call my own.
Sometimes I wish there was something I could change. Perhaps something from the inside, or maybe it's just skin deep.
Some days I pray that time reversed and I lived differently. Made different choices. So I could negate some of these regrets I am feeling. Why do I always feel this way around you even when I try to be nice and rise above the noise and seek to be a bigger person with a bigger heart. And they keep flying at me never missing a target as big as this. Plunging deep, piercing hard, inflicting the pain I see in your eyes. Yet you don't feel it even though I try and try and try and try and try and try and ... I give up.
Would the problem be me then? Do I think too much? Rationalise too much? Try too hard? Expect too much and stumble my own fall? Is it wrong to desire the basic truth - simple conversations, coffee, courage, consideration and love for the rest of this dying human race?
Around the block, around the bend. We'll come to another parched thought yet. Of angels fallen and human follies.
count your burnt marks round the table
*chucKie*
Sometimes I wish there was something I could change. Perhaps something from the inside, or maybe it's just skin deep.
Some days I pray that time reversed and I lived differently. Made different choices. So I could negate some of these regrets I am feeling. Why do I always feel this way around you even when I try to be nice and rise above the noise and seek to be a bigger person with a bigger heart. And they keep flying at me never missing a target as big as this. Plunging deep, piercing hard, inflicting the pain I see in your eyes. Yet you don't feel it even though I try and try and try and try and try and try and ... I give up.
Would the problem be me then? Do I think too much? Rationalise too much? Try too hard? Expect too much and stumble my own fall? Is it wrong to desire the basic truth - simple conversations, coffee, courage, consideration and love for the rest of this dying human race?
Around the block, around the bend. We'll come to another parched thought yet. Of angels fallen and human follies.
count your burnt marks round the table
*chucKie*
Sunday, August 18, 2002
the ironic law of diminishing returns
Sometimes you get too much nonsense and it is not good for you. That's when you realise you need to do something about it. Run away, dodge or try to talk the nonsense into submission. Sometimes it doesn't work. Then sometimes, it ends up burning a big hole in your heart and you wonder why it ever did that or why you even allowed it to do so.
Then, there are days where enough is enough where you say this is the last straw. Then forgetful as we humans are, we, well, forget about the whole damn thing and try to move on. You know you have aged on quite a fair bit when you find that it's getting familiar all this round about circles we don't understand but get trapped in anyway. But like Alanis says, Under Rug Swept. That's all we are doing. So in my pursuit to try to be a better human being, instead of breathing it down your throat, I talk. I cry, weep, talk, listen, try to say what you are really saying back to you and hope that we come to a tangent of understanding.
But when the point of contact is shifted, we're back to the same old circle merry go round the knights table evolution again. Some days I don't take it quite well and I become the 10 year old kid giving a piece of himself to you. Some days I bloat up into a life sized adult and become a chiding parent calming the profusely bleeding kid. So who am I to you? Just a doll you can pull or prick your needles when you feel like it or see fit?
So, now. Enough is enough. I'm pulling the plug, hardening my heart. I won't break my silence anymore for I know it will take another million-who knows how many years before the crater develops into a dormant self. This seems like a resolution - it is nothing but a feeble attempt at trying to put words to form a defence against the sound of breaking, shattering and tired sighs at the other end of the room.
Edit me all you will for rules that didn't apply to you will not apply here. Bring your pillow somewhere else.
maimed elbow...
*chucKie*
Sometimes you get too much nonsense and it is not good for you. That's when you realise you need to do something about it. Run away, dodge or try to talk the nonsense into submission. Sometimes it doesn't work. Then sometimes, it ends up burning a big hole in your heart and you wonder why it ever did that or why you even allowed it to do so.
Then, there are days where enough is enough where you say this is the last straw. Then forgetful as we humans are, we, well, forget about the whole damn thing and try to move on. You know you have aged on quite a fair bit when you find that it's getting familiar all this round about circles we don't understand but get trapped in anyway. But like Alanis says, Under Rug Swept. That's all we are doing. So in my pursuit to try to be a better human being, instead of breathing it down your throat, I talk. I cry, weep, talk, listen, try to say what you are really saying back to you and hope that we come to a tangent of understanding.
But when the point of contact is shifted, we're back to the same old circle merry go round the knights table evolution again. Some days I don't take it quite well and I become the 10 year old kid giving a piece of himself to you. Some days I bloat up into a life sized adult and become a chiding parent calming the profusely bleeding kid. So who am I to you? Just a doll you can pull or prick your needles when you feel like it or see fit?
So, now. Enough is enough. I'm pulling the plug, hardening my heart. I won't break my silence anymore for I know it will take another million-who knows how many years before the crater develops into a dormant self. This seems like a resolution - it is nothing but a feeble attempt at trying to put words to form a defence against the sound of breaking, shattering and tired sighs at the other end of the room.
Edit me all you will for rules that didn't apply to you will not apply here. Bring your pillow somewhere else.
maimed elbow...
*chucKie*
Wednesday, August 07, 2002
I've crossed another day without sleeping a wink again. Yay.
Second time and it has to be during the 2nd week of the semester. I am not about to miss another Marcomm lecture, so i decided to get up after trying to knock myself out unsuccessfully at 5 am and cook myself some noodles to shut growling sewerage sensations in my tummy. Think I could have thinned my stomach's inner lining protection when it was screaming, "i'm on empty!!!". Who cares, you'll just grow another inch further and burst out of my new pants. Which for your information hasn't been worn once. Yes, I'm talking about the couduroy one. So before you want any fuel, try losing some inches first!
And now at a whooping 7.05am, I am beginning to feel my eyes closing and my mind trying to go into sleep mode. But I refuse the shut powerbook to put it to sleep mode and I will keep moving the mouse and make it do stuff so that I won't sleep.... Ah, the alarm! Funny how I usually set the alarm and never wake up in time. But this time don't even need it... Anyways, I am trying to busy myself to sit out the time. Only have about 2 more hours to my first lecture of the day. Today is cycling day. So need to get out about 45 mins earlier to cycle to school and give myself enough time to cool down change into a new T-shirt and maybe catch a drink. Well, even during winter, I end up all sweaty inside after cycling. What to do? It's cold, so you have to layer up. And the body naturally perspires with exercises such as cycling so the T-shirt in there will be soaked.
Other than boring you with my incongruent mutter, I am also ripping CDs and loading more MP3s into my new iPOD. The single iPOD! Bachelor rules! Single life rocks! 10 gig of music for me to fill up. well, let's see how many songs I have on my iTunes library now. Hmmm.... 894 songs... which translates to 2.5 days worth of music. And I still have 4 gig free space! Just finished ripping Coldplay, Yellow album. Now popping in U2, All that you can't leave behind.... And click...'import'....
Oh did I mention that I just acquired a new pre-owned MOTU 828 firewire audio interface? All the way from Chicago! The power eBay puts into consumerism. Nope, this is not another shopping spree. This is a result of isolation, sheer banter, stubborness, praying, believing and two months worth of online research and seeking the advice of the gurus (actually there's only one - translated as STEVEN!!!). I achieve three things with this. One, I am finally stepping onto the ground I always regarded as sacred & dangerous. Two, I am putting my dreams and words into practice. Three, my Firewire ports on my Powerbook is finally going to be put to good use! Of course, now with the iPOD too. So hopefully there'll be some chuckie mp3s swimming around...
Time check: 7.20am. Yawn. The smell of coffee really helps to keep me awake at this hour. I actually have a coffee maker which costs only $20. From Kmart. I love Kmart. Just pour water into the back, put in the coffee powder accordingly, switch it on and it instantaneously boils and brews the coffee. And check this out, it also keeps the coffee warm. Yah, like the way the coffee is kept warm at Mc Donalds. I have about one cup left. By the time I get to finish it later, it'll be nice and strong cos the excess water would've evaporated leaving a stronger brew. Whoopi! ... Goldberg?
U2 is almost done ripping. Hey don't go preaching to me about the moralities of mp3s. It has no morals because the file is simply a form of compression and encoding and therefore it is not human and therefore you can forget about morality blah blah blubber bloop! It's for personal use for crying out screaming out smogaspamorphic LOUD!
Ok, think this should be enough. Or should I write till it's time to leave?
Nah, I'll go connect the iPOD now and do my QT. Jesus rocks!!!
*chucKie*
Second time and it has to be during the 2nd week of the semester. I am not about to miss another Marcomm lecture, so i decided to get up after trying to knock myself out unsuccessfully at 5 am and cook myself some noodles to shut growling sewerage sensations in my tummy. Think I could have thinned my stomach's inner lining protection when it was screaming, "i'm on empty!!!". Who cares, you'll just grow another inch further and burst out of my new pants. Which for your information hasn't been worn once. Yes, I'm talking about the couduroy one. So before you want any fuel, try losing some inches first!
And now at a whooping 7.05am, I am beginning to feel my eyes closing and my mind trying to go into sleep mode. But I refuse the shut powerbook to put it to sleep mode and I will keep moving the mouse and make it do stuff so that I won't sleep.... Ah, the alarm! Funny how I usually set the alarm and never wake up in time. But this time don't even need it... Anyways, I am trying to busy myself to sit out the time. Only have about 2 more hours to my first lecture of the day. Today is cycling day. So need to get out about 45 mins earlier to cycle to school and give myself enough time to cool down change into a new T-shirt and maybe catch a drink. Well, even during winter, I end up all sweaty inside after cycling. What to do? It's cold, so you have to layer up. And the body naturally perspires with exercises such as cycling so the T-shirt in there will be soaked.
Other than boring you with my incongruent mutter, I am also ripping CDs and loading more MP3s into my new iPOD. The single iPOD! Bachelor rules! Single life rocks! 10 gig of music for me to fill up. well, let's see how many songs I have on my iTunes library now. Hmmm.... 894 songs... which translates to 2.5 days worth of music. And I still have 4 gig free space! Just finished ripping Coldplay, Yellow album. Now popping in U2, All that you can't leave behind.... And click...'import'....
Oh did I mention that I just acquired a new pre-owned MOTU 828 firewire audio interface? All the way from Chicago! The power eBay puts into consumerism. Nope, this is not another shopping spree. This is a result of isolation, sheer banter, stubborness, praying, believing and two months worth of online research and seeking the advice of the gurus (actually there's only one - translated as STEVEN!!!). I achieve three things with this. One, I am finally stepping onto the ground I always regarded as sacred & dangerous. Two, I am putting my dreams and words into practice. Three, my Firewire ports on my Powerbook is finally going to be put to good use! Of course, now with the iPOD too. So hopefully there'll be some chuckie mp3s swimming around...
Time check: 7.20am. Yawn. The smell of coffee really helps to keep me awake at this hour. I actually have a coffee maker which costs only $20. From Kmart. I love Kmart. Just pour water into the back, put in the coffee powder accordingly, switch it on and it instantaneously boils and brews the coffee. And check this out, it also keeps the coffee warm. Yah, like the way the coffee is kept warm at Mc Donalds. I have about one cup left. By the time I get to finish it later, it'll be nice and strong cos the excess water would've evaporated leaving a stronger brew. Whoopi! ... Goldberg?
U2 is almost done ripping. Hey don't go preaching to me about the moralities of mp3s. It has no morals because the file is simply a form of compression and encoding and therefore it is not human and therefore you can forget about morality blah blah blubber bloop! It's for personal use for crying out screaming out smogaspamorphic LOUD!
Ok, think this should be enough. Or should I write till it's time to leave?
Nah, I'll go connect the iPOD now and do my QT. Jesus rocks!!!
*chucKie*
