Monday, March 31, 2003
The Late Great April Shower
It's the last day
Before April begins
And begets
The rusty gold tune
Of peter, pots and pans.
My good natured halo,
Like your good unchartered stiletto,
Hanging by the cell phone
Waiting for a surprise response.
I look up to the dreaded sky
And wonder if that proverbial high
Would be felt like all the pairs of even numbered months
Since we left our mother's breasts.
That late great april thunder
And the pouring rain
That could melt a stubborn hail storm,
I wish it would come quickly
And rescue us from waiting like this.
Waiting for the godots who will, well, never arrive.
chucKie
It's the last day
Before April begins
And begets
The rusty gold tune
Of peter, pots and pans.
My good natured halo,
Like your good unchartered stiletto,
Hanging by the cell phone
Waiting for a surprise response.
I look up to the dreaded sky
And wonder if that proverbial high
Would be felt like all the pairs of even numbered months
Since we left our mother's breasts.
That late great april thunder
And the pouring rain
That could melt a stubborn hail storm,
I wish it would come quickly
And rescue us from waiting like this.
Waiting for the godots who will, well, never arrive.
chucKie
Saturday, March 29, 2003
SARS
This is that deadly virus that stands for severe acute respiratory syndrome. The reports in the asian media have been sobering - particularly in Singapore - where home, for my loved ones, is.
Call home. Call someone. Call someone you know today. Or anybody who's been travelling to the asian regions such as Hong Kong, Taiwan, Beijing, Guandong, Vietnam or Thailand. Make sure they are alright, remind them to be careful and take no chances. Already two persons have died and the virus seems to be almost airborne.
I mean, it has to ring your emergency bells if the anal chewing gum banning government can declare suspension of all schools for 10 days up till April 6.
Be concerned but not alarmed. Pray for His intervetion and protection.
chucKie
This is that deadly virus that stands for severe acute respiratory syndrome. The reports in the asian media have been sobering - particularly in Singapore - where home, for my loved ones, is.
Call home. Call someone. Call someone you know today. Or anybody who's been travelling to the asian regions such as Hong Kong, Taiwan, Beijing, Guandong, Vietnam or Thailand. Make sure they are alright, remind them to be careful and take no chances. Already two persons have died and the virus seems to be almost airborne.
I mean, it has to ring your emergency bells if the anal chewing gum banning government can declare suspension of all schools for 10 days up till April 6.
Be concerned but not alarmed. Pray for His intervetion and protection.
chucKie
Catch
Played catch with the waves on Bells Beach yesterday. Had a good 1 - 1.5m swell. Great stuff.
Can't describe the adrenaline. All I know was that at the end of the day, my arms were in such aching pain, I was moaning when I climbed under my sheets. The cold didn't help that much. It just served to accentuate the aches I felt all over my body. But it was all good. The weather was fine - a good 3 hours of sunshine and good waves.
Catching a wave is such an art. You need balance, control, speed and good timing. Any little mistake could either end up with a premature nose dive of the board sinking you into the water instead of charging ahead. Or you could lose your momentum by the time the waves reach you - which would just sweep past you like you never even paddled. Or, you would, like me, fall often off the board and gulp a fresh serving of sea water. Ughck!
I'm so proud of my friend Joy, who was just standing on the surf like she'd been doing this since the age of 4. She's got natural talent and I think she's go the unfair advantage of being small, light and nimble. I mean, she can catch a wave without even paddling too much and still stand on the board.
Still, I managed to catch a few good ones and managed some good squats on the board. Ah, it's getting addictive. But think I might not be able to do it too often cos I will probably be working weekends when the new coffee joint opens. Which is this coming Friday. Sure I can squeeze out some time.
But first, I have to get myself a wetsuit.
chucKie
Played catch with the waves on Bells Beach yesterday. Had a good 1 - 1.5m swell. Great stuff.
Can't describe the adrenaline. All I know was that at the end of the day, my arms were in such aching pain, I was moaning when I climbed under my sheets. The cold didn't help that much. It just served to accentuate the aches I felt all over my body. But it was all good. The weather was fine - a good 3 hours of sunshine and good waves.
Catching a wave is such an art. You need balance, control, speed and good timing. Any little mistake could either end up with a premature nose dive of the board sinking you into the water instead of charging ahead. Or you could lose your momentum by the time the waves reach you - which would just sweep past you like you never even paddled. Or, you would, like me, fall often off the board and gulp a fresh serving of sea water. Ughck!
I'm so proud of my friend Joy, who was just standing on the surf like she'd been doing this since the age of 4. She's got natural talent and I think she's go the unfair advantage of being small, light and nimble. I mean, she can catch a wave without even paddling too much and still stand on the board.
Still, I managed to catch a few good ones and managed some good squats on the board. Ah, it's getting addictive. But think I might not be able to do it too often cos I will probably be working weekends when the new coffee joint opens. Which is this coming Friday. Sure I can squeeze out some time.
But first, I have to get myself a wetsuit.
chucKie
Thursday, March 27, 2003
Surf Torquay
Excited. Surfing at Torquay tomorrow with some new found mates Joy, Jason and some other friends. Can't wait.
Must pack and be ready for all that action tomorrow. Must sleep early and have a good brekky for the day.
But just checked reports that it might be pretty small waves. Mid arvo seems to go below 0.5 even. Hopefully some turn of events would happen. But there's a chance we might get some 1 - 1.2m waves. Pray.
Alrighty. Last days of summer. Have to catch the sun before it's gone.
chucKie
Excited. Surfing at Torquay tomorrow with some new found mates Joy, Jason and some other friends. Can't wait.
Must pack and be ready for all that action tomorrow. Must sleep early and have a good brekky for the day.
But just checked reports that it might be pretty small waves. Mid arvo seems to go below 0.5 even. Hopefully some turn of events would happen. But there's a chance we might get some 1 - 1.2m waves. Pray.
Alrighty. Last days of summer. Have to catch the sun before it's gone.
chucKie
Wednesday, March 26, 2003
Dejavu
Flip your coin.
No, tip it over.
Over the table.
I want to watch it fall
And see you crawl
Under the carpet
To grope in the dark
While you try to slide out.
How does that feel
To be on the underside?
Pave a center stage
Where your soul would take.
Let the lights shine forth
And the music, they'd begin
To plunder your massive ambitions
Of your one track road ahead.
And if you don't like what you've got
Throw them back
Out onto the wild side,
Where the musos and swine gather
Where I'll willingly wait for my turn
To lather up the fodder.
Broken glass bits
Laid carefully on the beaten floor,
Like a 200 piece orchestra, held in thin mid air,
Waiting for the running bulls to rumble.
How you laugh while the sun is out
And how you hide when the day turns cold,
While my back burns a big black hole.
I should have known better.
Some of you change for the weather.
I hope your time is up now.
I hope I have learnt to wise up now.
I hope you get to where your ripples are taking you.
Man, I wish I had the courage
To just leave you
Like I did before.
But, hey, here's a piece of my flesh,
Go, fill your hungry stomachs.
Just let me know when you are done.
chucKie
Flip your coin.
No, tip it over.
Over the table.
I want to watch it fall
And see you crawl
Under the carpet
To grope in the dark
While you try to slide out.
How does that feel
To be on the underside?
Pave a center stage
Where your soul would take.
Let the lights shine forth
And the music, they'd begin
To plunder your massive ambitions
Of your one track road ahead.
And if you don't like what you've got
Throw them back
Out onto the wild side,
Where the musos and swine gather
Where I'll willingly wait for my turn
To lather up the fodder.
Broken glass bits
Laid carefully on the beaten floor,
Like a 200 piece orchestra, held in thin mid air,
Waiting for the running bulls to rumble.
How you laugh while the sun is out
And how you hide when the day turns cold,
While my back burns a big black hole.
I should have known better.
Some of you change for the weather.
I hope your time is up now.
I hope I have learnt to wise up now.
I hope you get to where your ripples are taking you.
Man, I wish I had the courage
To just leave you
Like I did before.
But, hey, here's a piece of my flesh,
Go, fill your hungry stomachs.
Just let me know when you are done.
chucKie
The Shift
After the shift in dimension
I began to witness the way
Your face is breaking down
And the eroding sideburns building up
After the fall of my defensive walls
I began to embrace the fight
The promise that does not ever go
The lies that never prolong its woe
But this is not where the trust lies
This is where my trust translated into
Which He spoke of long ago
Those hopes and dreams
And fantastic things
Of pictures and images coming to pass
I've waited for this said long period
For the promised land to fall on my lap
For the journey to come to this junction
So I could reach and touch
The reality He drew
And the blue print
Now becoming apparent
Clearer as I blink my wipers
Like it was after the fall and the shift
Out of where I was comfortable
And lazy
And now I'm reaching out
To show you
How to change
The cursed story you've been sold out on
chucKie
After the shift in dimension
I began to witness the way
Your face is breaking down
And the eroding sideburns building up
After the fall of my defensive walls
I began to embrace the fight
The promise that does not ever go
The lies that never prolong its woe
But this is not where the trust lies
This is where my trust translated into
Which He spoke of long ago
Those hopes and dreams
And fantastic things
Of pictures and images coming to pass
I've waited for this said long period
For the promised land to fall on my lap
For the journey to come to this junction
So I could reach and touch
The reality He drew
And the blue print
Now becoming apparent
Clearer as I blink my wipers
Like it was after the fall and the shift
Out of where I was comfortable
And lazy
And now I'm reaching out
To show you
How to change
The cursed story you've been sold out on
chucKie
Tuesday, March 25, 2003
Bedtime Story
I watched as the ceiling began to throw up tiny flakes of white paint peeling from the years of resistance. It looked like snow falling on my cedar carpet floor, creating a white mountain of debris, burying me deep within.
All is white and pure now. Like in my dreams. Like when I close my eyes and wanted to see Jesus when I was a little child asking Him to forgive me for the bad things I did before and asking Him to purify me for all my sins - and He would be there, appearing before me - in pure white light, satin clothes and orange hair - with a smile that melts my heart - with arms wide open ready to have me run up to Him.
And a fountain would spring up within me - overflowing - overcoming - overwhelming - a fresh mint taste in the center of my heart, like a rushing river of forgiveness waiting to gush out my guts.
He holds me up and puts me on His lap and sweeps away my long black hair that has been getting in the way of my vision. So how are you today - He asks. Not too bad - I say. Not too bad at all, thanks for coming through for me and fetching me the comfort I needed today.
I looked into His assuring eyes and smile - and He smiled. I closed my eyes and put my head against His shoulders and took a long nap. I'm always here for you my child - He says, softly, as I drift into wonderland - I will never leave you, you can always count on me. As soon as He finished, a myriad of strings and pipe organs ushered me into a deep sea of rest calming my soul, cradling my aching body...
I held onto my pillow and woke up to a bright Tuesday morning, ready to run out and seize the day.
chucKie
I watched as the ceiling began to throw up tiny flakes of white paint peeling from the years of resistance. It looked like snow falling on my cedar carpet floor, creating a white mountain of debris, burying me deep within.
All is white and pure now. Like in my dreams. Like when I close my eyes and wanted to see Jesus when I was a little child asking Him to forgive me for the bad things I did before and asking Him to purify me for all my sins - and He would be there, appearing before me - in pure white light, satin clothes and orange hair - with a smile that melts my heart - with arms wide open ready to have me run up to Him.
And a fountain would spring up within me - overflowing - overcoming - overwhelming - a fresh mint taste in the center of my heart, like a rushing river of forgiveness waiting to gush out my guts.
He holds me up and puts me on His lap and sweeps away my long black hair that has been getting in the way of my vision. So how are you today - He asks. Not too bad - I say. Not too bad at all, thanks for coming through for me and fetching me the comfort I needed today.
I looked into His assuring eyes and smile - and He smiled. I closed my eyes and put my head against His shoulders and took a long nap. I'm always here for you my child - He says, softly, as I drift into wonderland - I will never leave you, you can always count on me. As soon as He finished, a myriad of strings and pipe organs ushered me into a deep sea of rest calming my soul, cradling my aching body...
I held onto my pillow and woke up to a bright Tuesday morning, ready to run out and seize the day.
chucKie
Sunday, March 23, 2003
Space Age
We're living in the new space age. Where we're all connected via the satellites.
Today, you can access events and information as it happened one second ago.
Or, as it happens.
Been trailing the war in the middle east for some time since it started. Fox and CNN calls it Operation Iraqi Freedom. Formerly, it was just War on Iraq. How words make the difference.
Was intrigued by the real time video feed we've been getting.
Reporters at the scene of war delivers the news as it happens in the background, with enemy buildings under siege and tanks rolling up to enemy territories. Cameras zoom in to close ups of burning oil fields. Running commentary by roving journalists and on site commanders.
It looks like a game. Or at least, that's how it's coded.
What have we become? Spectators in the living room and the new sport is war?
I turned off the TV and decided not to add to its ratings.
chucKie
We're living in the new space age. Where we're all connected via the satellites.
Today, you can access events and information as it happened one second ago.
Or, as it happens.
Been trailing the war in the middle east for some time since it started. Fox and CNN calls it Operation Iraqi Freedom. Formerly, it was just War on Iraq. How words make the difference.
Was intrigued by the real time video feed we've been getting.
Reporters at the scene of war delivers the news as it happens in the background, with enemy buildings under siege and tanks rolling up to enemy territories. Cameras zoom in to close ups of burning oil fields. Running commentary by roving journalists and on site commanders.
It looks like a game. Or at least, that's how it's coded.
What have we become? Spectators in the living room and the new sport is war?
I turned off the TV and decided not to add to its ratings.
chucKie
Friday, March 21, 2003
Dreams do come true (Super Heroes do exist!)
We've been hoping, wishing, praying and even fantasizing in our dreams that some super hero really did exist and will come save us from us and the circle we're trapped in right now.
So what's your super hero today? Who do you dream of coming to your rescue when you are down in the dumps and feeling abandoned and unwanted?
What's my saving grace? Who's my super hero? Some of you would argue that it would be - JESUS. I love Jesus. I love his touch, his gentle voice and his comforting presence. Can't really say that He's my super hero though.
Don't get me wrong. Keeping reading.
For me, a super hero is the vehicle in which you are rescued from the fire. The person/metaphor/imagery that becomes your temporal saving grace. Yes, the word is temporal. Spiderman, Superman, Batman, even The Fantastic Four or Ultraman are super heroes serving a temporal cause. Each episode, something happens to disrupt the peace of makind and our marvel comic characters come set it right - only for them to come back in the next episode to do the same again - cos there's bound to be some mad scientist, mad scientist's son, mad scientist's son's son or some sewer monster moth ball creating havoc on our pleasantville.
So we keep them busy with our unending string of problems and disasters. They get the job done, get paid their due fame and swooning ladies in adoration and we move on to the next level.
My super heroes don't solve my eternal problems of sin, habits, language and damnation. They make me feel better with the external - seeing with my eyes what really is the small problem in the big scheme of things. Super heroes that bring me food, water and a bed to rest my soul. Super heroes who do something for me without strings attached.
Jesus is the creator of these super heroes and sends them to save us, rescue us, protect us for that brief physical and social moment. Super heroes are the means to Jesus' end. His omega with which he began.
So, today, be a super hero to somebody and rescue them.
chucKie
We've been hoping, wishing, praying and even fantasizing in our dreams that some super hero really did exist and will come save us from us and the circle we're trapped in right now.
So what's your super hero today? Who do you dream of coming to your rescue when you are down in the dumps and feeling abandoned and unwanted?
What's my saving grace? Who's my super hero? Some of you would argue that it would be - JESUS. I love Jesus. I love his touch, his gentle voice and his comforting presence. Can't really say that He's my super hero though.
Don't get me wrong. Keeping reading.
For me, a super hero is the vehicle in which you are rescued from the fire. The person/metaphor/imagery that becomes your temporal saving grace. Yes, the word is temporal. Spiderman, Superman, Batman, even The Fantastic Four or Ultraman are super heroes serving a temporal cause. Each episode, something happens to disrupt the peace of makind and our marvel comic characters come set it right - only for them to come back in the next episode to do the same again - cos there's bound to be some mad scientist, mad scientist's son, mad scientist's son's son or some sewer monster moth ball creating havoc on our pleasantville.
So we keep them busy with our unending string of problems and disasters. They get the job done, get paid their due fame and swooning ladies in adoration and we move on to the next level.
My super heroes don't solve my eternal problems of sin, habits, language and damnation. They make me feel better with the external - seeing with my eyes what really is the small problem in the big scheme of things. Super heroes that bring me food, water and a bed to rest my soul. Super heroes who do something for me without strings attached.
Jesus is the creator of these super heroes and sends them to save us, rescue us, protect us for that brief physical and social moment. Super heroes are the means to Jesus' end. His omega with which he began.
So, today, be a super hero to somebody and rescue them.
chucKie
Wednesday, March 19, 2003
Drive
Just want you to drive
On and on
With me here
Behind you behind the wheel
I miss the city lights
The palindrome sights between
The pyrex seperating me and the wide world outside
I miss them passing me by
On the right side of me
On the outside of me
I miss closing my eyes
Tired of looking forward to the day
Dreaming of drones at bay
I miss just being smaller than I remember
Having the questions raised
Of supper or desserts later in the day
So drive on
And on and on and on
Don't stop till the wheel pulls to a halt
Don't step on the pedal no more
Just let us go, keep going
Till we are gone
Out of sight, out of mind
Out of their peering suspicious eyes.
chucKie
Just want you to drive
On and on
With me here
Behind you behind the wheel
I miss the city lights
The palindrome sights between
The pyrex seperating me and the wide world outside
I miss them passing me by
On the right side of me
On the outside of me
I miss closing my eyes
Tired of looking forward to the day
Dreaming of drones at bay
I miss just being smaller than I remember
Having the questions raised
Of supper or desserts later in the day
So drive on
And on and on and on
Don't stop till the wheel pulls to a halt
Don't step on the pedal no more
Just let us go, keep going
Till we are gone
Out of sight, out of mind
Out of their peering suspicious eyes.
chucKie
Tuesday, March 18, 2003
Spells
Heat wave. Energy sapping. Skin drying. Thirsty. Dehydration. Sticky perspiration. Not happy.
Tired. Death-like wish. Head exploding.
One more day. No more, please.
chucKie
Heat wave. Energy sapping. Skin drying. Thirsty. Dehydration. Sticky perspiration. Not happy.
Tired. Death-like wish. Head exploding.
One more day. No more, please.
chucKie
Saturday, March 15, 2003
Disease
I don't know why. But my mind has been transfixed on her. Always. For a long time now. Whenever I think of that special someone who would walk with me into the sunset, whenever I dream of someone next to me squeezing my hand as my name is being called at the dentist - I think of her - I picture her in my head - there, just perfect, just the way she is, just the way I last remembered her.
I wonder how she has changed. I wonder if she hated me then. I wonder if she does now. I wonder if she would take my calls.
My friends keep telling me not to go back to pursue that lost broken arrow I threw out of my arms. Guess I'm the ass in the situation. Proving once again that guys are such bastards. But something inside me says that it doesn't have to be this way, doesn't have to end that way - doesn't have to end at all. In fact, what end was there - just a lilting star cast out - selfishly - amid the chaos I could not handle.
Want to speak freely. Want to put up my hand and confess. Want to regurgitate the tiresome words I have grown weary listening to. Want. Want to break the traditions, yet want to fall in love - all over again - in the same manner - in a different deeper sense of honesty - confident that I could trust her - that she would trust me once again.
I am so close to call. Just want to talk. Find out how she's been hanging, coping. So close to want to listen to her say the words she meant to say when I broke her. How can I go missing someone I rejected? Just want to say sorry - to start again - on the right foot. Just want to reconfigure. To learn to listen - talk and trust - read the signs - explain the past - pour out my soul for the last time. For I know she deserves it - she owns it - she needs to finish the bedtime story I meant to tell her. I need to finish the story - no matter how it might conclude - or begin - or progress. Need to find her among the lost arch enemies. Need to rescue - need to be rescued - need to follow through - need to fill the void - need to just need to align, provide, give, draw out spaces, create together, make stars out of our hands, make our futures together.
Together. Forever. Can't stop thinking. Can't stop. Can't get her out. Can't. I'm drawn towards. I'm not resisting anymore. I just want to say I was and am sorry. Would you listen to my story and consider me again?
chucKie
I don't know why. But my mind has been transfixed on her. Always. For a long time now. Whenever I think of that special someone who would walk with me into the sunset, whenever I dream of someone next to me squeezing my hand as my name is being called at the dentist - I think of her - I picture her in my head - there, just perfect, just the way she is, just the way I last remembered her.
I wonder how she has changed. I wonder if she hated me then. I wonder if she does now. I wonder if she would take my calls.
My friends keep telling me not to go back to pursue that lost broken arrow I threw out of my arms. Guess I'm the ass in the situation. Proving once again that guys are such bastards. But something inside me says that it doesn't have to be this way, doesn't have to end that way - doesn't have to end at all. In fact, what end was there - just a lilting star cast out - selfishly - amid the chaos I could not handle.
Want to speak freely. Want to put up my hand and confess. Want to regurgitate the tiresome words I have grown weary listening to. Want. Want to break the traditions, yet want to fall in love - all over again - in the same manner - in a different deeper sense of honesty - confident that I could trust her - that she would trust me once again.
I am so close to call. Just want to talk. Find out how she's been hanging, coping. So close to want to listen to her say the words she meant to say when I broke her. How can I go missing someone I rejected? Just want to say sorry - to start again - on the right foot. Just want to reconfigure. To learn to listen - talk and trust - read the signs - explain the past - pour out my soul for the last time. For I know she deserves it - she owns it - she needs to finish the bedtime story I meant to tell her. I need to finish the story - no matter how it might conclude - or begin - or progress. Need to find her among the lost arch enemies. Need to rescue - need to be rescued - need to follow through - need to fill the void - need to just need to align, provide, give, draw out spaces, create together, make stars out of our hands, make our futures together.
Together. Forever. Can't stop thinking. Can't stop. Can't get her out. Can't. I'm drawn towards. I'm not resisting anymore. I just want to say I was and am sorry. Would you listen to my story and consider me again?
chucKie
Thursday, March 13, 2003
Atrocity
Shawn's Blog gave me the shivers just moments ago. Murder in a situation of war and sheer revenge never felt so close and so real.
Shawn came across a photography book at Reader's Feast and witnessed the wrath of American soldiers - on a captured Taliban soldier begging for mercy - he was dragged like a dog, shot, wounded and killed - in cold blood - like you would slaughter an animal for food and fodder.
Felt cold for a moment when I meditated on the three shots that Shawn described with stark clarity the atrocities of a war like this.
Must the wrong doing be repayed with further wrong doing? Must revenge be repayed with revenge - an eye for an eye - a tooth for tooth - just like the old ancient ways of law and justice.
Pray for grace. Pray for forgiveness. Pray for courage. Pray for relinquishment. Pray for surrender. Pray for intervention. Pray for a miracle that would end this furtherance of each other's earthly kingdom. Pray for rain to come comfort the burning desires.
chucKie
Shawn's Blog gave me the shivers just moments ago. Murder in a situation of war and sheer revenge never felt so close and so real.
Shawn came across a photography book at Reader's Feast and witnessed the wrath of American soldiers - on a captured Taliban soldier begging for mercy - he was dragged like a dog, shot, wounded and killed - in cold blood - like you would slaughter an animal for food and fodder.
Felt cold for a moment when I meditated on the three shots that Shawn described with stark clarity the atrocities of a war like this.
Must the wrong doing be repayed with further wrong doing? Must revenge be repayed with revenge - an eye for an eye - a tooth for tooth - just like the old ancient ways of law and justice.
Pray for grace. Pray for forgiveness. Pray for courage. Pray for relinquishment. Pray for surrender. Pray for intervention. Pray for a miracle that would end this furtherance of each other's earthly kingdom. Pray for rain to come comfort the burning desires.
chucKie
Tuesday, March 11, 2003
Behind the line
Think I can be quite banal at times. A friend once implied that I was heading in that direction. Using less imagery and metaphors. Guess now there's a little more control on my part. Using the simple to provoke the wise men.
Just want to settle down now. Not marriage. Not that sort of thing. But settle my heart and my physical locality. Still an uncertain burden where I'll end up. So little time, so much to achieve. Need a miracle.
Sorry I'm writing in schizophrenia of sorts. Been in and out of a few worlds and quite traumatized.
Being back in Uni is quite a shock again. Adjusting back I guess. Hate the life of lecture and tutorial where only one mouth moves and the others all pretend to be wise and not say anything. I'm just a sanguine time bomb waiting to explode on anything and everything. I mean, I'm so full of energy and enthusiasm this semester and possibly this whole year that I don't want to waste my hours doing nothing and pretend I'm the wall paper of the room.
Truth is, I am the sunflower in the gargantuan bright orange and purple vase in the centre of the room!! That's just me, so deal with it.
The shoes fit. And oh, the old pants do too.
chucKie
Think I can be quite banal at times. A friend once implied that I was heading in that direction. Using less imagery and metaphors. Guess now there's a little more control on my part. Using the simple to provoke the wise men.
Just want to settle down now. Not marriage. Not that sort of thing. But settle my heart and my physical locality. Still an uncertain burden where I'll end up. So little time, so much to achieve. Need a miracle.
Sorry I'm writing in schizophrenia of sorts. Been in and out of a few worlds and quite traumatized.
Being back in Uni is quite a shock again. Adjusting back I guess. Hate the life of lecture and tutorial where only one mouth moves and the others all pretend to be wise and not say anything. I'm just a sanguine time bomb waiting to explode on anything and everything. I mean, I'm so full of energy and enthusiasm this semester and possibly this whole year that I don't want to waste my hours doing nothing and pretend I'm the wall paper of the room.
Truth is, I am the sunflower in the gargantuan bright orange and purple vase in the centre of the room!! That's just me, so deal with it.
The shoes fit. And oh, the old pants do too.
chucKie
Sometimes
Sometimes you just need to associate with the right people to feel the right way and do the right things. Sometimes you feel like giving up, throwing in the towel, even throwing up, regurgitating all the things you said you believed in. Cos life gets hard and nothing's ever so easy.
But guess that's just the way it is - to keep us in check - so that when we arrive we will not take for granted the things we have. Let me learn to count my blessings, 1, 2, 3...
Time is running out. Or is it? Depending on your perspective. God or human. I am human. Trying to be perfect like He is. It is hard. Crazy as a notion. Insane as an idea. But that's the call, that's the choice to make on a daily and momentary basis. Sigh.
I look forward to a brand new day. The old has passed, the new is here and I stand between the crossing borders and embrace the light as it moves into my space, engulfing my place.
With open arms, here I jump. No turning back ... no turning back.
chucKie
Sometimes you just need to associate with the right people to feel the right way and do the right things. Sometimes you feel like giving up, throwing in the towel, even throwing up, regurgitating all the things you said you believed in. Cos life gets hard and nothing's ever so easy.
But guess that's just the way it is - to keep us in check - so that when we arrive we will not take for granted the things we have. Let me learn to count my blessings, 1, 2, 3...
Time is running out. Or is it? Depending on your perspective. God or human. I am human. Trying to be perfect like He is. It is hard. Crazy as a notion. Insane as an idea. But that's the call, that's the choice to make on a daily and momentary basis. Sigh.
I look forward to a brand new day. The old has passed, the new is here and I stand between the crossing borders and embrace the light as it moves into my space, engulfing my place.
With open arms, here I jump. No turning back ... no turning back.
chucKie
Monday, March 10, 2003
Like a Rollercoaster
Up I went like a moon on a high
Believing for the moment what choices I could find
The clock strikes midday and my temperature rises
I could put down this spatula but my mind's made up
Down I go like a car crash, river overturned
Believing for the time for what seemed like it never churned
The fever plunges as my heart goes awry
I swore I felt like this, just two minutes back
I fear and crave rejection
In my face, so I can't play the game
I'm tired of these old grown card tricks
I don't have time for your stupid antics
There's only so much time I can get
But now I feel like giving up again
Like the old man's saying
That I'll never earn enough to eat
I wish I wore a different shirt
The one you gave me when I should have refused
I wish I could choose my hair
So I wouldn't be left out in the cold
Don't make me look like a fool
I'm sorry if I went ahead without you
Now I regret that I ever started
But now, I know there's no turning back
For who will pay for me when I'm gone
For who will sing for me when I'm asleep
I just want to be part of the team
Flushing out the toxins
Brushing up my protein
Filling up my porcelain
That's been broken by my own pill and crime.
Lend me your ears to this rollercoaster fight.
chucKie
Up I went like a moon on a high
Believing for the moment what choices I could find
The clock strikes midday and my temperature rises
I could put down this spatula but my mind's made up
Down I go like a car crash, river overturned
Believing for the time for what seemed like it never churned
The fever plunges as my heart goes awry
I swore I felt like this, just two minutes back
I fear and crave rejection
In my face, so I can't play the game
I'm tired of these old grown card tricks
I don't have time for your stupid antics
There's only so much time I can get
But now I feel like giving up again
Like the old man's saying
That I'll never earn enough to eat
I wish I wore a different shirt
The one you gave me when I should have refused
I wish I could choose my hair
So I wouldn't be left out in the cold
Don't make me look like a fool
I'm sorry if I went ahead without you
Now I regret that I ever started
But now, I know there's no turning back
For who will pay for me when I'm gone
For who will sing for me when I'm asleep
I just want to be part of the team
Flushing out the toxins
Brushing up my protein
Filling up my porcelain
That's been broken by my own pill and crime.
Lend me your ears to this rollercoaster fight.
chucKie
Friday, March 07, 2003
Fill me up
Now that I've got your attention
Would you find me, seek me out
Now that I've got your permission
Would you take me on, lead me out
You could be my one way ticket
You could be my supernova rocket ride
I'm waiting for you to call
Pensively hoping you would never fall
I'm yearning for the voice on the other side
So I could use something more to decide
Pave my streets with the dreams that are bigger than me
Fill my cup with the courage that could set me free
Increase my strength so that I could finally see
The hopeless dope I've been sinking in
Hold me in your arms
Swarm me with your years
Teach me the reason I need to give
Go with me the distance to believe
And I'll give you my honesty
chucKie
Now that I've got your attention
Would you find me, seek me out
Now that I've got your permission
Would you take me on, lead me out
You could be my one way ticket
You could be my supernova rocket ride
I'm waiting for you to call
Pensively hoping you would never fall
I'm yearning for the voice on the other side
So I could use something more to decide
Pave my streets with the dreams that are bigger than me
Fill my cup with the courage that could set me free
Increase my strength so that I could finally see
The hopeless dope I've been sinking in
Hold me in your arms
Swarm me with your years
Teach me the reason I need to give
Go with me the distance to believe
And I'll give you my honesty
chucKie
Thursday, March 06, 2003
Long Day
On my way back, my eyelids were just so heavy. Going to Safeway to buy groceries was a feet dragging experience. But I was hungry, didn't want to get any chinese takeaway, so had to go and buy some lettuce, chicken breast fillets, tofu, skinny milk, whole grain bread and cheese slices. Preparing for the Paintball weekend. Need to bring some light sandwiches loaded with protein to help me get through the day.
Started the day at 7.30am. It was freezing. Think it would have been 10 degrees or something. I had my cotton pull over on top of a double layered Hard Rock reversible T-shirt and a Kathmandu fleece over all that. I was wrapped. Must have shivered away all the ginseng tea I drank for the morning boost.
Got down to Rathdowne on Carlton and had to hop on two trams in sucession to get to 601 Bourke St to train at Gloria Jeans - this is day two of my training. Did all the counter and punch the screen thing for 3 hours. Then had to fly down to Richmond to meet a client for the DJ function at her wedding sometime in the middle of March or something. Missed her cos the traffic was bad and I got there a little after 1.00pm. Whizzed back to Uni, grabbed a wholemeal chicken alfalfa sandwich for lunch - three big bites and a bottle of water and ducked for Scriptwriting class. It was a lot of fun. My tutor's Alison Bicknell - a big tall lady with a good sense of humour with a touch of goth. Think it might have been her dressing and make-up. Love her style. Had to leave in the middle of the class. It was to go from 2.15pm to 4.45pm, but I had already made a business appointment in Northland Shopping Centre at 4.00pm, so had to take off again. I was trying hard not to yawn but look alert and professional during the meeting.
All this running around just saps the energy out of you. And did I mention that it got quite royally hot in the mid afternoon? It actually made me quite depressed and got me crying a little. Been distraught lately and the weather wasn't helping. Felt stuffed up. Think it went up to 25 and the sun was just viscious. You could feel the pain on your skin as it bakes and draws out the life blood and water from your body. Was this close to ripping off the bottom half of my jeans and let me poor thighs breathe and see the world.
I'm so tired now, my fingers feel numb and I could crash any moment. And it's only 10pm.
Goodnighty...
chucKie
On my way back, my eyelids were just so heavy. Going to Safeway to buy groceries was a feet dragging experience. But I was hungry, didn't want to get any chinese takeaway, so had to go and buy some lettuce, chicken breast fillets, tofu, skinny milk, whole grain bread and cheese slices. Preparing for the Paintball weekend. Need to bring some light sandwiches loaded with protein to help me get through the day.
Started the day at 7.30am. It was freezing. Think it would have been 10 degrees or something. I had my cotton pull over on top of a double layered Hard Rock reversible T-shirt and a Kathmandu fleece over all that. I was wrapped. Must have shivered away all the ginseng tea I drank for the morning boost.
Got down to Rathdowne on Carlton and had to hop on two trams in sucession to get to 601 Bourke St to train at Gloria Jeans - this is day two of my training. Did all the counter and punch the screen thing for 3 hours. Then had to fly down to Richmond to meet a client for the DJ function at her wedding sometime in the middle of March or something. Missed her cos the traffic was bad and I got there a little after 1.00pm. Whizzed back to Uni, grabbed a wholemeal chicken alfalfa sandwich for lunch - three big bites and a bottle of water and ducked for Scriptwriting class. It was a lot of fun. My tutor's Alison Bicknell - a big tall lady with a good sense of humour with a touch of goth. Think it might have been her dressing and make-up. Love her style. Had to leave in the middle of the class. It was to go from 2.15pm to 4.45pm, but I had already made a business appointment in Northland Shopping Centre at 4.00pm, so had to take off again. I was trying hard not to yawn but look alert and professional during the meeting.
All this running around just saps the energy out of you. And did I mention that it got quite royally hot in the mid afternoon? It actually made me quite depressed and got me crying a little. Been distraught lately and the weather wasn't helping. Felt stuffed up. Think it went up to 25 and the sun was just viscious. You could feel the pain on your skin as it bakes and draws out the life blood and water from your body. Was this close to ripping off the bottom half of my jeans and let me poor thighs breathe and see the world.
I'm so tired now, my fingers feel numb and I could crash any moment. And it's only 10pm.
Goodnighty...
chucKie
Wednesday, March 05, 2003
Weeds
Sigh. Feels like weeds are growing in my beautiful garden. But when you have a beautiful garden like this you'd wanna show people around. But weeds grow and sometimes you wonder if there really is a conspiracy going on. I just ask that you don't misunderstand my intentions. Don't I have more credibility than that?
School was good. Poetry class was a blast. Realised that there are more and more Americans moving to our shores lately. It's cool to have them around. Gives the place a little more spice.
The bookroom was just appalling. Had to queue half an hour just to get one miserable course reader. The others are not out yet. How slow can they get. Think now I am getting Mondays and Fridays off instead of the traditional Thursday and Friday. It's good, Still along weekend. But the other three days will be so compacted.
Going to catch some insects to eat up the weeds.
chucKie
Sigh. Feels like weeds are growing in my beautiful garden. But when you have a beautiful garden like this you'd wanna show people around. But weeds grow and sometimes you wonder if there really is a conspiracy going on. I just ask that you don't misunderstand my intentions. Don't I have more credibility than that?
School was good. Poetry class was a blast. Realised that there are more and more Americans moving to our shores lately. It's cool to have them around. Gives the place a little more spice.
The bookroom was just appalling. Had to queue half an hour just to get one miserable course reader. The others are not out yet. How slow can they get. Think now I am getting Mondays and Fridays off instead of the traditional Thursday and Friday. It's good, Still along weekend. But the other three days will be so compacted.
Going to catch some insects to eat up the weeds.
chucKie
Tuesday, March 04, 2003
Busy Bee
Been busy. School started. Tuesday's a full on day. But ends at 3.00pm which is great. Had to wake up at 7.00am to get there by 9.00am though. Tired, but mentally alert still. Not sure how that works. But never mind that. Tomorrow starts midday and ends pretty much by 6.00pm. Then it's dinner with some friends.
Territory definitely expanding. I should have had my middle name as Jabez. But Jediah's fine. At least my new boss, Sean, at Gloria Jeans Coffee loves my middle name. We had a bit of a laugh when he went 'jebediah' - which incidentally is the name of a rock band here in Australia. Might be one of his favourites. They're pretty good. Had this song with bagpipes and rocking guitars. They guys were rocking in their kilts with girls in the background doing the scottish dance in the music video.
Oh yes, old news but still fresh anyway. I got a new job at Gloria Jeans Coffee - which I forgot to mention. Well, not that excited to blog about it, cos it's just a means to an end. Given the choice, I would choose not to work. But I don't currently have a good financial situation to make that choice. The DJ job is erratic and income gets pretty sporadic. Holding two jobs for now. For a while at least. At least until I become financially stable to have more time on my hands. Moreover, jobs like these help me meet people. Which is what I love and need. To keep me alive and to know that I am not alone in this world.
Paint ball this Saturday. Feeling a little dread. Cos it will take up the whole day. We're setting off at 6am and coming back at around 9pm. I didn't know what I signed up for. Well, I'll just go and have fun. The other days I better work hard to give myself that reward.
8 more months to Hawaii. Keep dreaming.
chucKie
Been busy. School started. Tuesday's a full on day. But ends at 3.00pm which is great. Had to wake up at 7.00am to get there by 9.00am though. Tired, but mentally alert still. Not sure how that works. But never mind that. Tomorrow starts midday and ends pretty much by 6.00pm. Then it's dinner with some friends.
Territory definitely expanding. I should have had my middle name as Jabez. But Jediah's fine. At least my new boss, Sean, at Gloria Jeans Coffee loves my middle name. We had a bit of a laugh when he went 'jebediah' - which incidentally is the name of a rock band here in Australia. Might be one of his favourites. They're pretty good. Had this song with bagpipes and rocking guitars. They guys were rocking in their kilts with girls in the background doing the scottish dance in the music video.
Oh yes, old news but still fresh anyway. I got a new job at Gloria Jeans Coffee - which I forgot to mention. Well, not that excited to blog about it, cos it's just a means to an end. Given the choice, I would choose not to work. But I don't currently have a good financial situation to make that choice. The DJ job is erratic and income gets pretty sporadic. Holding two jobs for now. For a while at least. At least until I become financially stable to have more time on my hands. Moreover, jobs like these help me meet people. Which is what I love and need. To keep me alive and to know that I am not alone in this world.
Paint ball this Saturday. Feeling a little dread. Cos it will take up the whole day. We're setting off at 6am and coming back at around 9pm. I didn't know what I signed up for. Well, I'll just go and have fun. The other days I better work hard to give myself that reward.
8 more months to Hawaii. Keep dreaming.
chucKie
Monday, March 03, 2003
Big Picture
Just got back from a three day seminar in Frankston.
Have to say that this is even better than the real thing - what church and community should be like. Think I've just got a piece of heaven - a small speck and glimpse of utopia.
It was beautiful. Everyone looked out for everyone and cheered each other on. Team work is such an understatement. Where in the world would you think you'd find the absence of back stabbing and profit stealing - this is after all a business! No one cares how much you earn, but more so the recognition and the person you've become as a result of the business effort.
A team mate of mine, Sarah, was so moved that she was in tears of joy and gratitude. She couldn't believe she was going to get recognition on stage. Prior, she would tremble if she had to speak to 5 or more people in a small group. This industry has transformed her into a confident person she is today. My heart was just so inspired when she pressed on to share her success and experience in front of 500 people. She has certainly come a long way and she has my utmost respect.
I am beginning to see the big picture - there's still a lot more to discover. But what I have seen over these three days has put the power and metal to my pedal to go for gold. Yes, even Diamond. Cos that's what I need to be guilt free, debt free and hate free.
I know the inner angry child in me is going to be nurtured, educated and transformed to be the person I really am - to reach for my potential and change my stars. To be mentored and parented by the great cloud of witnesses who have gone before me who would be there to applaud when I get to that said place of honour. To be that person all fishermen can look up to. To be a source of inspiration. To feed the masses and to teach them how to fish. To leave a legacy of transformed and debt free lives.
I am so glad I am here today. Don't ever forget that!
chucKie
Just got back from a three day seminar in Frankston.
Have to say that this is even better than the real thing - what church and community should be like. Think I've just got a piece of heaven - a small speck and glimpse of utopia.
It was beautiful. Everyone looked out for everyone and cheered each other on. Team work is such an understatement. Where in the world would you think you'd find the absence of back stabbing and profit stealing - this is after all a business! No one cares how much you earn, but more so the recognition and the person you've become as a result of the business effort.
A team mate of mine, Sarah, was so moved that she was in tears of joy and gratitude. She couldn't believe she was going to get recognition on stage. Prior, she would tremble if she had to speak to 5 or more people in a small group. This industry has transformed her into a confident person she is today. My heart was just so inspired when she pressed on to share her success and experience in front of 500 people. She has certainly come a long way and she has my utmost respect.
I am beginning to see the big picture - there's still a lot more to discover. But what I have seen over these three days has put the power and metal to my pedal to go for gold. Yes, even Diamond. Cos that's what I need to be guilt free, debt free and hate free.
I know the inner angry child in me is going to be nurtured, educated and transformed to be the person I really am - to reach for my potential and change my stars. To be mentored and parented by the great cloud of witnesses who have gone before me who would be there to applaud when I get to that said place of honour. To be that person all fishermen can look up to. To be a source of inspiration. To feed the masses and to teach them how to fish. To leave a legacy of transformed and debt free lives.
I am so glad I am here today. Don't ever forget that!
chucKie
